The Great Urinology Experiment

Warning: The following post may disgust some readers. It is not for the close-minded, and I am fully aware of the mockery I will most likely receive from my little experiment. I do not care.

I awoke the other morning from a nice long sleep, cherishing the opportunity Chinese New year has given me this week to sleep in rather than wake up early to teach kindergarten. I crawled out from under my mosquito net, rose from my bed, put on my slippers, and sauntered into the bathroom. Today was the day.

As I stood there, hovering high above the toilet bowl, I began psyching myself up for what was about to take place. This was going to be gross. I began to feel the flow of urine, as the stream made its journey from my bladder to the toiled bowl, where it was about to be intercepted by my my hands.

But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to pee all over my hands, no matter how much I prepared myself for it. The stream slowed down to a trickle, before drying up completely. I had missed my chance, and I would have to try again tomorrow morning.

Those of you who know me well know that I suffer from severe eczema on my hands when the temperature and/or humidity get high. My entire hands break out in a rash of tiny bubbles and open soars, that make it excruciatingly painful to to anything. They hurt, they itch, they sweat, and they just continue to get worse until the temperature begins to drop. Being in Taiwan for a month, it has already begun and I'm not looking forward to the summer here.

So when Amanda's friend happened to share a little secret only a crazy German was insane enough to try, I was all ears. Apparently, there is an ancient Indian belief that Urine is the body's own natural remedy to almost any ailment. You can even go so far as to drink your own pee every morning. Baby steps....Ryan's going to take baby steps.

Which brings me to peeing on my hands. I have suffered with this eczema my whole life, and have always said I would do anything to get rid of it. Anything. So, this is my chance. After researching into it on the Internet, pretty much everything the German said checks out. Just rub your early morning midstream pee over the affected areas, and allow it to dry. Within a few weeks, the Eczema should be gone and never return.

So what do I really have to loose, Aside from some pee pee hands? According to the Internet web sites I looked at, your pee isn't even dirty or bad for you. Its just a sterile mixture of water, nutrients, and minerals that your body already had enough of. so there is really nothing gross about it once you get over the initial phobia of doing something we've been taught is disgusting. You can even go so far as to look into the conspiracy theories that the drug companies are trying to keep this hush hush because there is no money to be made from it. Just some sticky hands.

I am proud to say that yesterday morning I awoke and peed on my hands. I'm remaining optimistic that this is going to work, and really, it wasn't even that bad. It dries up pretty quick, and leaves your hands feeling quite nice. Amanda is curious as to whether or not it works, cause if it does, she'll have no reason to continue suffering from her eczema either. She will just have to psych herself up a bit more than me, as she massages her pee behind her ears and into her scalp.

Did I hear someone say Golden Shower?

Setting an example

One of my kindergarten students learned the hard way what happens when you cross a line...

Today began like any other day. After the usual greetings and hugs, I spent about ten minutes trying to calm my students down from the mass hysteria that my arrival always seems to bring about. Finally getting them to sit down for story time, I breathed a sigh of relief and proceeded to hold their attention singing songs, reading books, and reciting the alphabet.

One child in particular, Ben, was all hopped up on something today. I don't know what it was, but I could tell he going to be a handful. I gave him some leeway, turning a blind eye to the majority of his misbehavings, for I did not feel like wasting energy in a constant battle with him all day.

And then he spit....
at me.....
in the face.....
for no reason.

Up until now I've been a pretty lenient teacher. I wouldn't say I've let the children walk all over me, but I haven't really done a whole lot of disciplining either. I've been pretty lax. They make paper airplanes, I take them away. They make another airplane, I take it away too. They hit someone, I give everyone candy except the child who did the hitting. They hit someone again, I give the crying kid they hit lots of candy. I feel bad that these kids are supposed to be doing so much work at such a young age, so I've tried to make things as fun as possible with as little negative punishment as possible. I figure they will eventually catch on that good behavior means more candy and toys.

This kid flicked a switch in me. I didn't even contemplate for a second what I should do. My impulse was just to pick the kid up, and carry him out of the room. Kicking, screaming, and crying, he put up a good fight, but he eventually landed himself out in the hall. I decided this is where he was going to sit, but he seemed to disagree. He continued flail his arms and legs, struggling as hard as he could to break free. He escaped my grasp once and made a b-line for the classroom, only to be scooped up and thrown right back out again.

At this point, all the Chinese teachers have come out of their classrooms to see what all the commotion is about. I explain to one of them what he did, and she was like, "so what you want do?". I told her i wanted him to sit in the office and think about what he did, and she relayed this to him in Chinese. I don't think he even knew what was going on, his vision clouded by the lakes in his eyes and his hearing drowned out by the deafening roar that his little mouth was emitting.

I walked back into the classroom to find my usually hyper A.D.D. kids just sitting....staring in awe. Their little jaws just hanging there, stunned by the sudden chaos that had just erupted. I went back to flashcards I was showing them, and there was an unusual calmness in the room.

About ten minutes later, i decided to go check on the kid in the office. I've never seen a kid so traumatized. His face was just soaked in tears, his shirt drenched by the falling streams and sweat he worked up trying to escape my grasp. Even his hair was soaked. I tried talking to him, but he was just sobbing, and coughing harder than I've ever heard a kid cough. He couldn't even stop coughing for a second to catch his breath. He just kept going. I don't think he was mad at me, just shocked and confused. He just sat there on the floor, looking at me like he didn't know what the fuck to think or do. This kid was messed up. He wanted his mom.

I didn't know how to feel. He needed punishment, but all i wanted to do was make him sit in the hall. I didn't want to traumatize the kid for life. I felt horrible about what had transpired, and decided he could come with me back to the classroom. i picked him up and he just kind of went with it. When we got to the door, the very one he fought so hard to run through only moments ago, he began to scream again. You'd think it was the gate to hell or something.

So then the Chinese teachers come out again, and this time it looks like I'm trying to force the kid INTO the classroom! I put him down and one of them gives him a talking to in Chinese again, and i try to explain that it is ok, he can come in if he wants. He slowly enters the room and just stands by the door, watching the other kids do their activities. I scared the shit out of that kid.

He eventually gets back to his normal self, wandering back up to the table where other kids are coloring. He seems to be back to normal for a few minutes when one of the Chinese teachers comes in and asks to take him. The principle, who was out before, has come back and got word of what he did. She wants to see him, so he sort of sanders out of the room without a fuss.

I didn't see poor Ben until i was about to leave, when the kids were beginning to eat their lunch. The principle comes in with him and tells me his mom is sorry, and he apologizes to me again as well. He goes and joins the others at lunch, and the principle shows me a little cup about half full with what looked like soapy water. It wasn't...it was his spit.

I just wanted him to wait in the hall.....

Taipei Through Ryan's Lens

Silhouette of a Dragon statue in the dark Taipei night

Wishes of good luck and fortune for the upcoming new year.

Candles lit for prayer at a Buddhist temple

A few people gather at the New Years Market

Serenity within the walls of a Buddhist sanctuary

Road Trip!

So as you can tell from the above photos, I took a little road trip to Taipei this last weekend. Amanda and I decided that we should visit and thank her friend Han, who got us our apartment here in Taichung. We did a few touristy things, visiting parks and temples and markets, and such... but I tried to post some photos that weren't of the typical tourist variety.

After getting the idea of the dragon silhouette from a man in a photography class, I decided that I Need (not want...but NEED) a professional SLR camera instead of my piece of shit point and shoot. Think of the photos my talented geniusness could take if I had a good camera! His photos kicked my ass and we were taking the same damn pictures! I just didn't have the quality of lens or ability to adjust seetings like he did, and I am never going to reach my full artistic potential and capture the images as I see them unless I have the proper equipment to work with. I also decided that i want to be a photographer, a journalist, or a documentary film maker. Maybe I'll just be all three. One day...one day.

Take a trip with me, squeezing through the crowd at a snails pace, as I explore a tiny part of Taipei's Crazy Chinese New Year Market.

Learning how to un-learn

In order to be safe, i need to be reckless.

This is what I have learned in my first week with a scooter in Taichung. pretty much everything I have been taught to do on the roads in Canada does not apply here. I am now beginning to learn how to drive like an Asian, and forget how to drive, as Ming put it, "like a Canadian".

First of all, that shoulder check they force us to do in Canada before changing lanes: forget about it. Those ten nanoseconds you spend glancing over your left shoulder are ten nanoseconds you are not watching the road in front of you. This is when you will either run over a j-walker, t-bone a car running a red light, rear end the scooter stopping for no reason in front of you, or get smoked by a parked car opening their door. So which seems like a better idea? Doing a shoulder check, or the latter options? I think I'll forget how to shoulder check.

Secondly, those little pieces of glass that reflect light and images that are attached to the handlebars? forget them too. As outlined above, the split second that you spend glancing in your mirrors means you are not aware of the aforementioned dangers that lurk ahead.

The point? Don't give a flying fuck about what is going on behind you. If you need to swerve out of the way of an oncoming obstacle, then do so and let the person behind you worry about avoiding you. Everyone learns to read the flow of traffic ahead and anticipate what will happen next. Everything is about what is in front. this is a hard concept for a Canadian to understand, but it seems to work. my initial fear is to be concerned with not cutting someone off behind be, but i am starting to realize that more harm will come to me from being courteous than from being selfish. If everyone else on the road only watches in front of them and is aware of what the people ahead are doing, then there is no need for anyone to look back.

The best strategy for making left turns at intersections is to gun it as the light turns green, before the oncoming traffic begins to go. This seems to work quite well, as you get to go without waiting very long. if you don't go right away, then you put yourself at risk waiting in danger in the middle of an intersection where people get angry if you are in their way.

Turn signals. They are useless. Nobody pays attention to them. You don't need them. Chances are, putting your right turn signal on will give you a false sense of hope that nobody will pass you on your right hand side as you make your right hand turn. Plus, thats time you need to spend concentrating on flicking a little switch on and off, and thus you are distracted from watching the road.

And finally: Go as fast as you can! The slower you go, the more scooters will overtake you and cut you off. The slower you go, the more cars will pull out of intersections and parking stalls in front of you. The slower you go, the more you will get honked at and bullied around on the road. Going fast solves all these problems. you separate yourself from the pack of scooters and you don't give other cars the chance to cut in front of you. Of course, higher speeds do add a certain element of danger to the equation, but the reoccurring theme here is to make the best choice between the lesser of many evils.

Mirrors. Shoulder checks. Courtesy for those behind you, Safe speeds. Turn signals. Waiting for oncoming traffic to make left turns. That's really all you need to Un-learn to give yourself a flying chance at surviving on the roads of Taiwan.

Now you know why 'stereotypically' we think Asian drivers are bad. they are not, they just like to play with a 'you snooze, you loose mentality'.

Lets talk about life...

Its time to get deep. This could be a long one...

I realized something the other day. I like to write. Many of you may have noticed this lately, if you haven't just passed off the number of recent blog posts as my other favorite pastime of talking about myself whenever possible.

The thing is, i have this desire in me to write, I just don't really know what to write about. Coming to Taiwan has given me a bit of new material to work with, but I'm not sure how much longer i can continue make scooter rides and teaching stories entertaining. Most of the time here, the thoughts that come to me have passed by the time i get a chance to write them down. Once this moment has left me, i find it difficult to motivate myself to think back and recall what it was that was previously on my mind. Often, my thoughts get lost and forgotten in the never ending circus music soundtrack that is my mind. Today however, I'm in a writing mood, so here we go...

Last night I did a lot of thinking and reflecting on life, all of which begun after listening to a point that Amanda's cousin made over Dinner. Mark, who is about to leave Taiwan to go build a house in India, was expressing his feelings of anxiety over his upcoming adventure. Dealing with conflicting inner feelings of excitement and apprehension, he is not sure what he really wants to do. He enjoys the comfort and security of his life here, yet he is bored and restless and needs change. A part of him doesn't even really want to go to India, and part of him is kicking himself out of Taiwan. So what does he do?

I think that this is the inner conflict that is inside all of us. We crave adventure and get bored easily, yet we are afraid of the unknown. I understand exactly what Mark is going through, as it is exactly what i went through before coming to Taiwan.

I didn't really express this to anybody before I came to Taiwan, but i wasn't even sure if I wanted to come here. I talked about it for so long - hopping on a plane after graduation and teaching English - that I didn't even really sit back and think if it was really what i wanted to do. When it came time to actually make it reality, i just kind of followed the momentum I had created for myself by talking about it so much, that i really didn't even give myself a say in the matter.

Leaving Canada this time was difficult. It was different from my previous trips in that there was an air of uncertainty about it. I don't know when I'm coming home, where I'll end up, or when I'll see many of my friends again. I know there is more too it than that deep inside, but i can't really explain it. It just felt weird. Part of my craves this new adventure, and part of me is tired of leaving important friends and family behind wherever I go.

Which brings me back to my conversation with mark that set me off on this wave of thought. what the hell are we supposed to do? I hear many of you tell me that you enjoy reading my stories, and are living your lives vicariously through me. But my life is not that great, just different from the 'normal'. I gave up a lot of things to come here. I think what separates the Mark's, and Amanda's, and me from the vast majority is that we take that plunge into the unknown, scared or not, and figure out the details as they present themselves. We are motivated by the mundane... we need to escape it. Every obstacle we face doing so is just another adventure and has its own rewards at the end of the day.

I think the point I'm trying to get out of my head is that life is too short to spend in a comfort zone, afraid of forcing yourself to take that leap into the unknown. This world is huge, and there is too much to see before we die. Taiwan is no paradise, but every morning I wake up and spend the day experiencing something new. I'm never bored. If i had listened to that part of me that was afraid of coming here, I'd still be washing dishes at the UVic cafeteria. Nice and comfortable in Canada, but bored and generally unsatisfied with my life.

But now I am here, experiencing something different, and this is just another case to refer to the next time i need a push into another unknown. I am thankful everyday for the opportunities i have been given in life, and never take them for granted. I don't know how I went from a teenager motivated by greed and the desire to become a rich engineer with a corvette and a penthouse apartment, to a useless bum who has no clue what an RRSP or any of those 'responsible' life plans are. Regardless of how i got here, I wouldn't trade my current situation for any of those desired material possessions or stereotypes of what a 'normal' path through life should consist of. That option will always be there in the future, but I won't be able live my younger years of freedom and adventure forever.

What the hell am I trying to say? Maybe I'm not that great of writer, since i can't even figure out my own thesis statement. I think the gist of it is that this world is an amazing place, and we in the West are too fortunate to not take advantage of the opportunities we have to experience the diversity it has to offer us. You don't realize what you are missing if you don't take that leap. Quit your jobs back home and come live in Taiwan... That's my point!

You teach, you save money, you travel the world, and then you can go home and work your 9-5 if that's what you still want to do. Or, you might just realize there is a whole other 'world' out there that you can't believe you almost missed out on. Its just that simple...so why not give it a shot? I am very grateful to have Amanda come here at the same time and show me the ropes and introduce me to Taiwanese friends who are always there to help me out of a jam. Without all them, this would have been a pretty tough experience, and for that reason, I am indebted to them for everything they have done and will continue to do for me. So now, I feel it is my duty to pass it on, or 'pay it forward' if you will. Come to Taiwan, Lin Shao Wang will take you under his wing!

Back full circle to my desire to write....

What can I do? could I write articles for newspaper travel sections? Should I write a book, and if so, what the hell would it be about? Do I just continue to write blog postings and updates on my bowel movements? I don't know, but i need a focus. I still want to be famous, and I want to make films too. you think anyone outside my blog audience would listen to my rants about shitty bus rides and pessimistic view about how unfair the world is?

oh yeah, that brings me to a tangent/rant.

You know all that stuff you buy back home that is made in Taiwan? Well, every time you buy something that is made here, know that a part of it is going into my lungs. Moving to Taiwan has taught me a thing or two about the consequences of globalization and our affluence in the west. You see, in Taiwan, there aren't really any pollution standards. So the whole island is essentially one giant factory producing cheap shit for North Americans to play with, while the Taiwanese get to enjoy it in a different way.... they eat it! I can feel it in my throat, that scratchy, flemmy, make-you-wanna-cough-but-can't sensation that is a direct result of the insane amount of pollution that is pumped into the air here. And all those batteries you throw away....well, Canada is to pristine to pollute their environment, so what do they do? They ship them to Taiwan! out of sight, out of mind. For Canadians anyway...

OK, so i had to throw at least one bitch-session rant in here. I'll stop now.

Come on, take a ride with me

ok, so this is my fist attempt at seeing if I could actually upload video via Youtube to by blog. Now that I know it works, I will put more effort into actually recording decent quality video. This is the first couple minutes of my ride to work in the morning. its pretty early and I took the back roads, so there isn't much traffic. You get too see the front door of my appartment building, and the lovely little courtyard where everyone parks their scooters.

Sorry for the crappy quality video. Its just taken on my digital photo camera, and it can't seem to adjust the contrast through the wires of my basket on the front of the scooter. i'm sure i'll perfect the art soon.

My new lady friend

I have a new friend. I don't know her name, she's kinda ugly, pretty old, and she weighs a few hundred pounds. I love her though... and like to ride her all night long!

I am talking about my scooter of course. And she needs a name. I don't remember how Betsy the rustang got her name, I think it just came to me. My scooter however, is not doing the same. So, what should it be?

Thelma?
Helga?
Suzy?
Louise?
Sally?
Betty?
Roxanne?

So I'm asking you all to let me know if you think any of these are good. Or, of course, any original suggestions will be considered. Wouldn't you like the honor of naming the beast I will straddle every day and night?

Meet Lin Shao Wáng:

So, I have finally decided on my Chinese name, and will probably get laughed at by almost everybody I introduce myself to from now on. Instead of just picking a name that would be 'normal', I decided to have a little fun and encourage people to mock and make fun of me. Why not, It is all in good fun....I hope.

So, my quest began with a few brainstorming ideas. Trying to come up with adjectives to describe yourself is a little bit hard to do, so I threw the suggestion out to you, my loyal readers. Thanks to those who sent suggestions, although in reality none of them turned out to be usable. You tried.

One thing I knew for sure after meeting Mika's (also known as Fez, My foreign friend, who is now no longer 'foreign', as it is I who is the foreigner....) Mom, who has become my adopted mother here in Taiwan. So, seeing how I have a second mother here in Taiwan, and Mika is my only Taiwanese friend, I thought it would be suiting to adopt their last name, Lin.

With that figured out, i had to decide on my first name quickly so I could apply for my working visa. Now, I had this bright idea to take the Gaelic meaning of Ryan (Little King) and simply translate it into Chinese. Done and simple? Well, not really. But who cares, I'll pick it anyway

You see, the words little and King together form something in Chinese that is not just so normal. It seems that Shao Wáng stands for a bunch of things, of which i am only starting to understand. Here's what I figure:

First of all, if you were to tell a child a nursery rhyme or story, that's the generic name you would use. Little prince Shao Wang....

Second, The last name Wang, is probably the most common last name in Chinese, probably equivalent to Smith. Its my first name.

Thirdly, the name Shao Wang is so well known and used as a generic name, that no parent in their right mind would ever use it to name their child. Basically, you'd set them up for a life of ridicule. meh, what the hell...

So, see what I'm saying. The name is insanely popular without anybody ever having it. So I'm probably the only person in China that is actually dumb enough to use it. I'm basically your average John Doe.

Then again, I kinda like it for that reason. Everyone smiles and laughs with me (well, at me...) when i introduce myself, and nobody will ever forget it. And since it has meaning with my Gaelic Irish ancestry, it somewhat fits. We all know how much I like people to talk about me, and now the Chinese have a reason to mock me, just like all my other friends!

Plus, Its probably the simplest name to write! Now we need to name my scooter...

A Special Guest Post

Note: Amanda made me remove the old photo of her that was here because she "didn't like how she looked". You can enjoy this one until she bitches at me to take it off too.

By Amanda Broad

I hope you all have been checking out Ryan's web page for daily updates on the life of a newbie in the Republic of China. I have to say I'm patting myself on the back for sorting him out with jobs and I'm thrilled that everyone here loves him. I've been trying to save up stories to write about, and here are a couple.

Story 1: Health Check

So by direction of the government of Taiwan we were forced to undergo a health check. Roughly the scenario is a 30 min cab ride and directions to the hospital food court for the health check which then lead us to a door. Upon opening the door Ryan discovered a parking garage where a whole whack load of foreigners (mostly Indonesians, Malays, and phillipinos) were lined up, to simplify things lets say about 500. A bunch of money is taken from us and we are moved from here to there, appearing to skip the registration and X-ray line up as we are ushered to the front of the line while everyone else has been waiting. We are then given our own little change room while the asians changed in the hall.... did I mention that we were the only North Americans aka whites? All of this made us feel fairly uneasy.. Ryan envisioned being stabbed outside at one point. Finally we get to line up like the rest. A vision test which was a joke, my height was measured to only about half way up my head, we skipped the stool test but I saw one guy with a couple samples passing them to his buddies. As for the blood test, I'd prefer not to imagine it again. Today we received the results.... it seems Ryan and I are 26 years old? I don't have asthma? and my blood pressure number has suddenly changed? well at least it says we don't have any health problems and HIV free... if you trust that they didn't just dump the samples right after.

Story 2: Hot Water

I'm in an abusive relationship here in Taiwan. Every morning a barge of swear words come flying out of my mouth as I whack this little machine attached to my shower. This machine has a little red light that toys with my emotions. When it is lit, I am immersed in wondrously hot water but then it becomes fickle and suddenly the light goes out and the temperature plummets causing icicles to form. When will the light turn back on? Know one knows...we have had it fixed, we have tried many different theories, superstitions, chants, sacrifices but finally I have decided that though I am not normally a violent person.. this stupid water heater requires many good whacks.

I'd prefer to also forget about all that electricity running next to the water....

Love and light.... plus a hug or two... Teacher Amanda

Scurvy's sweet new ride!

Cost of purchasing your very own scooter in Taiwan:
$321

New front and rear tires because the old ones were completely bald:
$50

New side-view mirrors to replace the current, non-existing ones:
$10

New motorcycle helmet because you don't trust the plastic skateboard helmet that came free with the bike to protect your skull in the event of a crash:
$25

Cost of filling up your tank with gas:
$2.50

Experiencing the thrill of putting your life at risk day-in day-out on the streets of Taichung:
Priceless!


So yeah, this is my sweet new ride. Isn't she beautiful? A whole whopping 49ccs of rip roarin' action packed adventure fun balanced on two bald rubber tires! She's a little bunged up, even after I took her in for some minor repairs. I figured some treaded tires would be worth the $50 investment when the rains come. And, peripheral vision via a couple new side mirrors couldn't hurt since they may just save my life, so I figured they too were worth an extra $10. Shes got a lot of war wounds on her body, most likely the result of a few little trips down to the pavement, but i think it adds character and lets just hope she's got all that out of her system for her new owner.

Amanda has my parents phone number in her cell phone, so mom, If I should happen to not come home one night, you can rest assured that at least Amanda will come looking for me and give you a heads up :)

Ryan's got a new set of wheels. My first since good 'ol Betsy the Rustang. Yeehaw!

How to Learn to Drive a Scooter in Taiwan

Step one:
Face your psychological fears and issues with a former motor vehicle accident in Asia and tell yourself you can do it.

Step two:
Have your Taiwanese Friend Wayway agree to trust you with her bike and take you to an empty parking lot.

Step three:
Rip around that parking lot like there is no tomorrow. Look like a retard doing so. Feel the power that a whopping 125cc's have to offer.

Step four:
Contemplate how well that $6 helmet with a loose chin strap would really protect your skull in an accident. Just decide you are not going to try and find out.

Step five:
Decide you are ready to venture out onto the road. Go for a rip around the block by yourself, remembering not to turn right on a red light. That is illegal in Taiwan and would probably result in Wayway's bike being impounded because a dumb foreigner with no license is driving it.

Step six:
Experience the feeling of taking a cute Taiwanese girl for a rip on the back of your scooter (well technically it is her scooter, but you pretend). Turn left out of the parking lot and almost get smoked by a speeding truck. Play it cool like you meant to do that for her sake, but really you need to change your pants.

Step seven:
Practice weaving in and out of traffic and budging your way to the front of the line at red lights. scare the shit out of your friend because she underestimates your ability to squeeze through the tightest gaps in between cars. Feel your confidence building.

Step eight:
Feel the road, the wind in your hair, and think about how bad you want to grow another mullet.

Step nine:
Crawl through the 5-way intersection where you saw two scooters t-bone each other one week ago. almost cause an accident cause you are going too slow.

Step ten:
Drop off your scooter and Taiwanese friend at her house, and walk home. Realize that you are tired of walking and must get your own scooter ASAP.

Entertaining the masses

It has come to my attention after talking to may of my faithful followers, that my blog is actually being read by more people than I thought. It seems that my address has been forwarded on to many people who somewhat know me and for some odd reason, appear to be interested in what I have to say. Why random people would have an interest in my bowel movements and adventure finding a job in Taiwan, I don't quite understand. Nevertheless, I now feel it is my duty to make my stories as enjoyable and interesting as possible for the average reader, as I do my best to entertain the masses.

So lets begin, shall we, with Ryan's first two days as a kindergarten teacher in Taiwan.

"Oh my god, what the hell am I doing here" was my general feeling after about five minutes of Day number one.

That feeling was then quickly followed by thoughts of "Screw this, I'm walking out right now" by minute ten and "I'm going to kill these children" by about the half hour mark.

Ok, no, so I don't really want to kill them, they are actually sweet little children and they really make me laugh. Its just going to take some getting used to teaching them, since they don't really understand what i say and they have the attention span of a fish. I don't blame them though. They are 4 years old and being expected to learn phonics and read and write. Kids back home at my moms daycare just get to play all day, and these children already have to deal with homework and grades. So, I am going to try and make English fun for them. Don't have a freeking (expletive edited just for you Grandpa!) clue how yet, but I'm going to try. Today I almost got them to understand the concept of Duck Duck Goose, except half the time the kid that got picked as the goose was too busy enjoying picking his nose to bother getting up and running around. We'll try that again on Monday.

I'm actually surprised how smart these little kids are. they catch me off guard sometimes with their English vocabulary, and some of them even figured out that if they never get up off their chair in musical chairs, they can't lose!

So, while it does feel kinda cool to be adored by ten little children (that's all I really want in life is to get attention and be admired, and it still counts even if it is from 4 year old children), I am going to enjoy my weekend while I regroup and try and figure out how to hold their attention next week while teaching them at the same time.

Tune in Next time for more adventures of my own version of Kindergarten cop.

Hard to believe I am actually responsible for educating these little tykes!